Big Girls Do Cry...


There are times in life when things just simply go wrong no matter how much we try. There isn't much you can do, we've all been there. I have and I certainly do all I can to prevent drama, trauma, bad shit, whatever you want to call it. Sometimes no matter how hard we try, things unravel. A door opens and you have a period of bad. Bad luck, bad juju, bad times, and the varying degrees of bad are all relative to how badly it hurts or makes you feel. When bad times happen most of us sit behind closed doors. We shut ourselves out from the world and from friends and family. When did we become so embarrassed to have problems? Why is it so important that the world only see us when things are going well? Who created the scale of perfect that we are all trying to live up to?

As a single mom, I can tell you that there were times I cried myself to sleep. There were times when I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day. My fear was that someone would look a little too close and see the sadness behind the laughter. My quick wit, charm and hilarity kept people around me, but I never let anyone get too close. Something was always missing. I always knew I was meant for something big, something extraordinary. Even as a small child I knew this to be true. I knew I was going to go for whatever that something was if only I could figure it out. Maybe the struggle is so darn hard because we do go at it alone.

As you are starting to learn, I am reinventing myself. A fresh new me. That's all the result of being baptized (privately) on May 30, 2020. I should have announced the Amazing Grace from the mountain tops, but I didn't. I'm announcing it now, I guess. Anyway, that day, my new birthday May 30, 2020 will always be the first day of the new me. A way for me to start anew, and bring a fresh new me into existence. It turns out Jesus has his work cut out for Himself, because I am far from done. I'm in the process of being perfectly restitched into the person I was always meant to be. I'm doing things I would have always just fallen short from completing, such as my book In Between. (And subsequently the dozen or so other book outlines sitting in a file on this very laptop). After all, with Jesus in my corner, there is no way I can fail. So, I am going for broke.

My walk with Jesus and my baptism brought on an amazing Grace. A very undeserved amazing Grace. That Grace, however, did not stop the hurt or pain others would cause me. I've always been sensitive. It didn't mean there would be no more tears, there have been. And don't get me started on disappointments, I've had a few of those too. No, being baptized wouldn't rescue me from the pain I would still experience from the world and those in it. But, what it does mean is I no longer have to worry about the world and whether or not anyone knows something is wrong. In fact, even if I shut the door and hide my problems from the world, Jesus is right there with me. He's listening. He's protecting. He's loving. He cares. He never fails. He never breaks His Promise. He never hurts or harms. He's the greatest of all teachers, and I am an eager student.

XOXO Stacey


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